The girl I used to be.


So I’m currently watching Scrubs. And Carla tells Turk that she had made so many mistakes before him but now that they were together he had erased all her previous mistakes. It’s all totally relatable I promise.
Robinson (my boyfriend) has been gone for four days now, and that has given me enough time to settle into my thoughts and remind myself what life used to be like. Life before him, before Micah, and the Army.
Reminiscing about those times are almost haunting because it was those times that brought me to the decision to join the army. They were so dark and miserable that I had to make a drastic change.
I was lonely and empty and still trying to figure out who I was. It was a constant struggle between who I knew I was and the person I thought I should be. In my mind I was this artistic and philosophical individual. I thought I was experiencing life to it’s fullest. When in reality I was dealing with my parents divorce and my warped view on relationships. I found myself defining myself by one shitty relationship after another, then finding myself more broken and confused than before.
I soon began to deal with substance abuse, I was simply trying to numb the pain in whatever way possible. I would find myself in a drunken rage or riding a sullen high state lost in thought. And when I wasn’t dulling the pain I was running from it. Getting on the highway at the drop of a dime… Just to do more of whatever I had been doing to get by at home.
The series of events that occurred after were the most life changing events ever…. And exactly what I needed to change my selfish point of view and change what I hated about myself, because essentially I hated myself. That’s why I did everything I could to punish myself.
Joining the Army made me learn to deal with my feelings and be alone with my thoughts. I could now see myself as part of a bigger picture. Then my baptism…. Something I had been waiting a long time to do but the time never seemed appropriate because I was never truly ready to change. But that was my opportunity to start on a clean slate and rededicate my life to Christ in order to become the woman of God that I imagined I would be.
Then Micah, the most life changing event of all. He gave my life real meaning and purpose. He showed me what unconditional and undeserving love really is. He made me realize I had never really experienced love before him, which made it so much easier to recognize when I fell in love with Robinson.


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